Said a lady of some perspicacity
"My knickers have lost elasticity"
And then with a frown
As the culprits fell down
"And there goes my proof of veracity."

Round, Flat and Hard

Claimed a pundit, "Its clear,
The earth is a sphere,
It constantly curves and it bends.
I dispute that it's flat
Plus the theory that,
Some people fall off at the ends."

Then he jumped in his car,
Drove fast but not far,
A cliff edge changed his forward direction,
And as he descended
His thoughts were amended,
But too late for all further reflection.

Computer, now kindly behave,
'cos I am the boss - you're the slave.
New computer or not,
I'll give you the chop,
if you Quit when I've told you to Save.

My eyesight's not good it is true,
but I'm SURE I pressed S, and not Q.
Don't sit there and blink
just so I will think
it was me, IT WAS NOT - IT WAS YOU!

He said, "Dear, your increasing rotundity,
Is occasioned by food in abundity."
She replied, "No it's not,
It's our time in the cot
And my flamin' excessive fecundity."

"And further I'd like to explain,
(Not seeking to carp or complain)
I want early redundity
From this constant fecundity
But with no wish at all to abstain."

I once knew a fellow who chose
To sip wine through the end of his nose.
He said that the pleasure
Was quite beyond measure
And curled up the ends of his toes.

And if the wine too was a French 'un
His hair would stand up to attention,
But a husky dry red
Taken just before bed,
Had results that he don't care to mention.

That's Life

A lady of absolute purity,
Of beauty, of grace and allurity,
Gave a decorous 'No'
To each amorous beau,
And vanished unsoiled to obscurity.

Yet one who was never conservative,
And complied with a smiling affirmative,
Had boy friends galore
Who well to the fore,
Considered her simply superlative.

I wrote one more verse on this theme
But probably 'twas mildly obscene,
So I left it it right there,
Relaxed in my chair,
And indulged in my own private dream.

Food Junkies

Old Mrs. Haig was eccentric and vague
and she shook, and she quivered and wobbled.
But it wasn't the ague
that shook Mrs Haig,
but the gallons of jelly she gobbled.

Now her sister Hettie was fond of spaghetti,
a fact she just loved to confirm.
An end 'twixt her lips,
a couple of flips,
and it slid down her neck like a worm.

Strange Mr Hall ate his eggs shells 'an all,
not feeling a little bit queasy.
They passed without fuss
down his oesophagus,
but there exit was not quite so easy.

But strangest of all was a juggler named Paul
whose manners were simply appalling.
He'd sit in a chair
toss his food in the air,
and eat the stuff as it was falling.